Rant Number One - London Underground

I have just got back from a night out in Central London. What a horror show!

Now I realise how great working - if you can call what I do working - from home is.

It's loafing from home really.

Home is a place where all the best loafing takes place.

Anyway, Central London. Not great for loafing.

Great for loathing perhaps, but not loafing.

Particularly the Underground system - London Underground - as bad, if not worse, than London Aboveground.

Here is rant number one out of an indefinite, perhaps infinite, number of rants from yours truely - Lord 'Ranty' Loafer:

Three things I dislike (in fact hate) about London Underground AKA The Tube.

Took quite some time to narrow it down to three. Three thousand things, even three hundred things... but three. That was tougher than sitting through a series of Britain's Got Talent (Talent? Don't make me larf!).

1 - London Underground might want people to keep feet off seats but I want London Underground to keep people off trains altogether.

Not much to ask considering the amount of money I pay to travel on this extremely shit public transport system. No fellow passengers please when I, Lord Rantypants, next rides into town if it's not too much to ask.

All my fellow passengers seem to be miserable self-hating gits.

2 - London Underground is not only shit but smelly and greasy too.

Similar to a smelly greasy shit in many ways. For a start, both are overrated and require tubes to function properly.

This evening I had to put up with smelly fast food being eaten in front of me by greasy, miserable, self-hating commuter gits.

Enough to put you on permanent hunger strike.

Which isn't a bad idea considering I'm not earning a penny at the moment.

3 - The only smiles you get to see while on the Underground (other than from very drunk or very mad people) are the fake smiles in adverts.

'Little break, big difference... 2hrs 15mins to the heart of Paris' - a couple pissing themselves laughing while drinking garlic-flavoured coffee outside a crap-looking Parisian café.

"I'm no angel," beams another fake smile, "the mistake is I have the hair of one."

With adverts as bad as this, I think I suddenly understand why everyone on The Tube looks so miserable and self-hating.

Thank god I have loafing at home to look forward to and not the daily horror ride into the office.

Sorry to sound so smug... but.

I was feeling a bit rubbish about being stuck at home before I went out.

Now...

I feel a lot better.


...Not sure whether that makes me very drunk or very mad.