Love Action In the Supermarket

I, Lord Lazy Arse, went down to my home town yesterday.

It's called Maidenhead.

I looked this up just to be sure... the word Maidenhead has three meanings:

1. (n.) The state of being a maiden; maidenhood; virginity.
2. (n.) The hymen, or virginal membrane.
3. (n.) The state of being unused or uncontaminated; freshness; purity.

So this means that my home town should in fact be called Virgin in modern vernacular.

Great.

Sounds stupid.

I live in Virgin, Berkshire.

I was going to write fucking stupid, but... oh, just did.

So anyway...

Yesterday I was in Maidenhead - I was in Virgin. My brother and I were in the town centre killing time. We were waiting for some photocopying to be done at a printing place for our new business venture so we just wandered around aimlessly.

Believe me, there is not much to see in Maidenhead. You can do the town centre in five minutes. We had an hour to kill.

In desperation - after twice visiting Next, WH Smith and M&S - we ended up going to the supermarket. My brother needed to get himself some lunch anyway. Being the conscientious house husband that I am I remembered that back home in London we were out of both washing up liquid and washing powder.

I went off looking for both these items. I also remembered that my wife is a hopeless food shopper (it's true, she admits this herself - a confession extracted without the use of waterboarding, or any other form of torture). So I thought it best to collect up some random food items before heading for the checkout. Stir fry mix, asparagus, egg noodles, fruit juice that sort of stuff...

I was standing by the fresh juice cabinet when a man rather dubiously slides up beside me and says, "Scuse me, are you straight or single?"

I was a bit slow on the uptake, I thought it might be some sort of market research exercise. So I said, "Sorry, say again?"

He indulged me. "Are you straight," he repeated, "if not, are you single?"

"Er," I said. The fog I found myself in was thick, it was taking time to clear.

"Because you are very handsome and attractive."

Handsome AND attractive. Note the use, please, of the term 'very'.

Wow! Lucky me. SUCH a NICE thing to say. But why these compliments from a man and not a woman? Because I know which side I like my bread buttered and it isn't on the guy side - certainly not the side this guy seemed to be obsequiously suggesting.

"I'm straight and not single," I said, before adding, a consolatory, "Sorry."

Not sure why I was sorry, though. I'm happy being straight and not single (even if it means I do all the food shopping).

Even if I was into men I wouldn't be into him and I certainly wouldn't want him being into me - Away nasty, nasty mental images!

He looked like a wino, or some sort of mythical creature from Middle Earth. He was stooped, had greasy hair and dirty nails. I was surprised he was allowed out during daylight hours.

Still, a compliment is a compliment, isn't it? Even if it's a wino troll saying it.

So, everyone, if you are desperate for some love action you know where to go - head down to the fresh juices chilled section of a certain well-known supermarket in Maidenhead, and wait for the trolls to appear.

The juices may be chilled but the action could well be HOT (and greasy and dirty).