Friday, 31 July 2009

Odour-free space pants anyone?





Today is the day for things underpants related it would seem....

Hot on the heels of the Underpants On The Head Robber comes another classic news item - the astronaut who wore the same pair of pants in space constantly for a month.

Yikes!

Astronaut wore same pair of pants for a month.


Apparently these pants are designed to be odour free, but I wonder whether the experiment was really as successful as the scientists are saying.

I reckon they are just putting a brave Y-front on things.

Brave Y-front... hahaha! Do you see what I have done there?

Puntastic work Lord Loafer!

Underpants On Head Robber



Before you ask this is nothing to do with me.


I have an alibi and witnesses!


Hunt For Underpants On Head Robber.



Lord Loafer might commute in his underpants but Lord Loafer DOESN'T rob. Either, in or out of his underpants.

I just hope those underpants were fresh on.

Otherwise... Poo!


Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Bonfire On The Beach



Back to a fav topic of mine... yes, camping.

A night out under canvas is cheaper than a bowl of chips in most restaurants, so in these economically constrained times it makes sense to max out on camping.

See the bbc website if you don't believe me.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7537641.stm

Anyway, I went with the family to Walberswick at the weekend - tent under one arm, crabbing net under the other.

I managed to survived two nights under flimsy, billowing fabric, and... whisper it quietly... everyone enjoyed it, including I, Lord Loafy.

If you have never heard of the place, Walberswick is in Suffolk, a county that is as flat, if not flatter, than Carla Bruni's chest.

Anyway, there is a campsite there right next to the beach. When the kids wake up in the morning, instead of saying to them, "go and watch some telly," it feels so much better to be able to say, "go to the beach it's only 10 metres away."

I should have warned them about the hoverflies though.

A plague of them suddenly arrived from Holland. Along with a profusion of ladybirds (or ladyboys as I jokingly referred to them as) and flying beetles, an ideal Saturday morning on the beach quickly descended into an ordeal with everyone constantly twitching their bodies or shaking/flicking their limbs about. We were all suddenly burdened by a series of unusual nervous tics.

There was only one solution. As soon as the pub opened seek sanctuary there.

Despite rain of biblical proportions being predicted, it rained only once. It wasn't all blinding sunshine though, it was more the typical british summer weather of greyish skies and high winds. Bracing I think is the word I am looking for.

In my last post I predicted beer would feature regularly during the weekend. And it did. Adnams beer to be precise. Not bad, but come Sunday afternoon... again I will whisper it quietly... I must say I was glad to be able to sit down in a tearoom and not a pub. I was bored of beer and sick of dodgy pub grub.

The highlight for me though was Saturday night.

At around 10pm when the light and insects had fully drained away, and after a long walk along the beach, we chose to have a bonfire in the dunes. The wind had dropped to zero and other people at the campsite had had a similar idea. Soon, there was a string of bonfires along the beach. It was someone's birthday and some fireworks were set off on the beach followed by the release of a series of Chinese flying lanterns. It was beautiful. I could have stayed there all night especially after one of my children fell asleep in my arms by the fire.

Sometime after midnight with the kids in bed, I took my electric toothbrush down to the beach and brushed my teeth while listening to the crashing waves and counting the stars. It took me sometime to count them all, my teeth have never been so clean.

Camping is great.

But coming home is great too.

There's the airless, stuffy rooms to look forward to, and the sudden lack of space. There's also the overwhelming need to defecate (after having rendered yourself shitless for the last two days) and the pile of red bills awaiting your urgent attention by the front door.

All of it screams, "Welcome home sucker!"

I think I'm going to have myself a red bill bonfire in the back garden.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Miss Money Bikini



Want to avoid this happening?

Money just flushing itself down the plughole...

Do you want to try and save money instead?

Or at least spend less of it?

Well, join the flippin' club, I'm a founder member, what with having been made re-fucking-dudant and all!

Tell me who is stupid enough not to want to ?!

An investment banker maybe... surely there should be a W there instead of a B.

So anyway... I am always on the look out for money-saving tips on the Internet. It's not the only thing I check out on the Internet, see below for an example of what else I have found.

Ay caramba! Now that is what I call an economic model!!

Anyway, this site I have linked to via this none-too-subtle 'so check it out whydontcha?' tagline seems like a good one.

So check it out whydontcha?

It's a bunch of videos giving you everyday tips on how you can save a ton of money on a whole load of everyday stuff. It even has people like Suze Orman and Martin Lewis the MoneySavingExpert on it so it can't be all bad.

Have a read, while I go off camping for the weekend.

Yes, it is going to rain solidly for the next 48 bloody hours.

Can't wait.

To get back home, that is.

Or else shelter in a pub run by Miss Money Bikini.

Hmmm... Lord Loafer is suddenly terribly terribly thirsty.

I think I'm going to get wet, both inside and out.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Sir Fred?


Okay, I admit it.

When it comes to Fred Flintoff I made a mistake... A very big mistake.

The guy is a walking (or maybe limping) hero, a legend in his own liquid lunch hour. I know perfectly straight men who suddenly want to have his babies.

Without Fred... England would be dead, or at least their chances of success in the Ashes would be.

Forget Dolly the Sheep... this is a nation emergency. Sir Fred you need to clone yourself now, before it is too late!

Talking of knighthoods - I just want to tell you that I hate people who parade their Knighthoods constantly... I'm thinking SIR Ian Botham and SIR Ben Kingsley.

What they have both done in their careers is fantastic and I am not deriding it, not for a second, but stop showing off will ya!? It's so flippin' bling.

You two (Ben and Ian) are like a couple of kids at school - 'I'm better than you because I'm a Sir, so there!'

I can just picture Beefy Botham sticking out his tongue when saying that to the rest of the Sky Cricket commentary team. How they must hate him.

SIR Alan Sugar is another one. It's the boy done good so I must remind the world constantly mentality. Ostentatious and very conspicuous.

And if I was awarded a Knighthood for my services to loafing and laziness? I would do the exact same thing.

SIR Lord Loafer.

Sounds fantastic, that.

Friday, 10 July 2009

The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey


I was going to write a blog about cricket - rather than camping - being the new rock n roll.

For those of you equipped with memories think back to September 2005 - it WAS the new rock n roll for-ever-such-a-brief moment back then.

Yes, that was when England won the ashes and Freddie Flintoff got pissed in front of the whole nation.

He played one hell of a blinder, then promptly decided to go out and get hammered on one hell of a bender.

There is talk about him trying to recapture the spirit (what about the beer and wine?) of 2005. He is trying to play in a relaxed, carefree way - the way he did four years ago.

Sadly, on the evidence of the first three days of the First Test - in Cardiff of all places - 2005 was a vintage year and 2009 nothing more than an ordinary harvest. He might be relaxed and carefree but no Man Of The Series moments so far.

There have been hints of what the great man can do. Only the merest of hints. But so far it has not been enough - he has been all too human.

The overwhelming professionalism of the Australian Cricket team - no stars (despite the stats I don't see Ricky Ponting as a star - I see him more as the long-lost son of George W Bush - believe me folks the resemblance is strong) just faceless professionals - have been the clear winners so far.

Those faceless professionals are doing a better job than any star the England team can field at the moment - maybe we should get the guy in the black and white photo out of retirement, he seems to know what a batsman should do when he sees a ball (or two).

Don't even get me started about Kevin Pietersen - when he played 'that' shot to get out he was probably as disorientated as the rest of us that the first test was being held in Wales. What the?!

Still, it might not be a vintage summer for cricket but, now that there are another 22 more days of Test cricket to look forward to, Lord Loafer can indulge in as much loafing as befits a man of my leisurely status.

Cricket is not the new rock n roll - or if it is it is the new Prog Rock and everyone who is a cricket fan should get there hands on one of these...


... oh yeah baby.